Rant in My Pocket

Is somebody listening to "Rubber Dolly" over and over again somewhere in the basement?!!! I keep hearing it, but I can't figure out where it's coming from.

I've check in my desk drawers, I've looked for speakers hidden in the ceiling lights, and spent about a half hour in the closet at lunchtime with my ear to a cup on the floor.

ARGH!!! I don't care if her mom won't buy her a rubber dolly because she smooched some guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's very sad. I am the ONLY PERSON who has oompaloompas as one of my interests on my blogger profile. This is odd, because I found all sorts of other things on Blogger about Oompaloompas, which were very informative. Now I feel even closer to my little guys.

For instance: I can tell you that THESE impostors are NOT Oompaloompas no matter how much paper hair they stick under their hats!

Also for instance: Otto has learned as Thing #% Learned While On Sabattical "5. Don't touch the oompaloompas." Apparently they have rabies. I will have to check mine to see if they've had their shots, and keep them away from Otto's oompaloompas at all cost.

This other site wants to know if there are any oompaloompas in here but then everything is in Swedish or something so I don't know what they're going on about.

I did find something about hot oompaloompa dance moves, but it was so cursory and vague it left me wanting.

I also found that Zero Unlimited is not the only office to employ oompaloompas within their hallowed halls.

I wonder how Mr. Wonka is taking it, does he have his panties in a bunch?

Also, some strange people have been dressing their dogs up as Oompaloompas. I gasped and stuffed my wristrest in my mouth to stop the screaming when I stumbled across this site.

Had an interview with that Hutch dude the other day. I'm not sure how he got an appointment, but there he was in my office when I came in from my meeting with the committee. Seemed a pretty game fellow, although he seemed surprised that no one had turkeys on their feet. To humor him, I told him I'd see what we could do about that.

I bet I can at least get folks to wear some Dutch clogs. Even if it's just on their hands, like these guys.

Well look at that. Another month has flown by on its little pink birdie wings, and left me here laughing. Or sobbing, depending on what is going on. I feel that as your boss, it is my duty to at least some of the time to (pretend to) be accountable for my actions.

Thusly:

I didn't do any vocabulary on Monday because some evil minded person or persons, having wantonly injured most of the gnomes that have been lately set out in and as an ornament to my office, by putting frosting on them, caused me great distress, at which point I was very busy telling Ms. Geraghty how to make WANTED posters which would offer a reward of twenty dollars and a sack of cheese to any person who will discover and bring to conviction the perpetrators of so vile an act by my order.

Later it turned out I only had a sack of cheese, as my twenty had gone missing overnight during sometime I spent at Shooters with Lenny, so it's just as well no one came forward, even though it ticks me off to no end that my oompa loompas had to waste hours of their valuable time cleaning off the gnomes noses and knees with toothbrushes and chamois cloths.

Last week was taken up by avoiding preparations for the Employee Barbecue with the exception of the bacon and sausage which I was all over.

The week before was a good one, I don't remember much of it. However the sack of cheese did materialize at about that time.

The week before that was spent drinking jug after jub of soda and then shoving tubes of mentos down our throats. Lenny and I were trying to figure out if that thing about exploding was real. There was this hot chick juggling her innards all about in that video after she did it and then she blew up all over the camera. Lenny thinks it was fake but you will notice he went along with it and was in fact the first test subject in our experiments after Stanley got away from us even with the hose that was tying him to the dolley.

So I've been kind of busy.

More vocabulary soon!!!! I promise, really.

Yours truly,
Mr. Paul Freeman, CEO
Zero Unlimited