Rant in My Pocket

I don't know what this is all about, but if Yence the Fence or Svelte Sven ever come looking for me, I'll be hiding in my lateral filing cabinet, thank you very much.

Feeling addled by this weirdness,
Your boss,
Mr. Freeman

I don't remember the happenstance. The name is... well, it's just freaky. Something you might find written on a piece of napkin someone stuck in your pocket at some wonderfully skeezy nightspot.

Maybe that's where it's from.

I still can't figure out what I did with all those bananas.

Signed,
Mr. Paul Freeman, CEOE
(the extra "E" stands for Extraordinaire!)

muddleheadedness
n. The state or fact of being muddle-headed; mental confusion or foolishness.

Example:
It has been said that it is the muddleheadedness of men that leads them to such pursuits as late-night jello shot shenanigans at Shooters.

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You know, muddleheadedness is a fun word to try to say.

Dratted dummy. Dumb dratter. Fine but this is all the typing I'm going to do this week. I think I was on vacation. I wasn't at work, anyhow.

Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die

--Find more Oompa Loompas.
--Eat more cheez doodles.
--Find a way to trick Lenny into wearing a poodle skirt to Shooters.
--Dig that tunnel back to the old Zero Unlimited complex and find that gold.
--Squash rumors that I am The King of Cake. Squash them in the face with cake.
--Find another ape costume as good as my last one. One worthy of me. Preferrably on sale.
--I don't know what the last one is. Maybe Kitty will come help me out with this frosting.

Seven Things I Can Do
--bust my head through the wall in order to get to the coffee machine first.
--noiselessly steal people's toupees and reassign them to foster heads without anyone noticing. (at first)
--imitate the sound of clogs echoing in the ventilation shafts.
--use my sonar to maneuver in the dark nighttime air and find my dinner. I enjoy sushi or potpie.
--answer the phone with my tongue.
--sneak up on anyone holding a full cup of hot coffee.
--rearrange all the pudding in people's lunch sacks in the staff room fridge so that no one has the right lunch at noon. My mornings are sometimes the busiest time of my day.

Seven Things I Cannot Do

--deal with fribbles. You know who you are.
--go-go. (I have tried. Even I was horrified.)
--eat goatfish. (Same as above.)
--origami. Hazardous to say the least.
--find a refugium. Dammit I want a pet archaeopterix, is that wrong???
--effectively operate a ventriloquist dummy. They keep slapping my hands away.
--find a good way to get drinks out of a glass backwards. Too bad. What a killer party trick to pick up chicks with on a bet.

Seven Things That Attract Me To Another Person

--conspicuous spending.
--strange aromas.
--tasty skin flavor.
--clanking of liquor bottles in pockets.
--toupee.
--generosity with chewing gum.
--those shoes that look like they could poke your eye out.

Seven Things I Say Most Often

--"Ape Law failed because you didn't listen."
--"Tell Lenny to meet me at Shooters and bring that thing he got the other day."
--"Mess with my Oompa Loompas, mess with me."
--"Ooooooh, that Mysterious Stranger really strangles my canoodle just when I think it's getting good."
--"No one wants to suchkon Baby Gherkins."
--"CEO of Many Unmentionable Things"
--"Nobody messes with the Law Giver!!!"

and a bonus: "Figure out which side your bread is buttered on, bozos!!!"

Seven Celebrity Crushes

--That hottie who bartends at Shooters on Fridays during HappyHappy Hour.
--Willy Wonka.
--The Hawaiian Punch Guy. Purely platonic. I plan to steal his zany shirts.
--The Frito Bandito. I need his hat. We'll get all chummy, then... yoink!
--Liv Tyler. Everyone needs a hottie elf with pointy ears in their armoire waiting for them to get home.
--The St. Pauli Girl. She comes with beer!!!
--Lily Munster. Or Morticia Addams. I'm not picky.

I'm going to tag the following lucky scoundrels:
--Tom Finn (you better get your blog up, dude)
--Damien (no more cookies you little bastard extortionist!!!)
--Kitty Baxter
--Kevin Roberts (you have always been a mystery to me, you weenie)

Get going you rascals!!!

stockist -- noun. One who (as a retailer or distributor) stocks goods.

Example:
Fred wished his lot in life had been to be a stockist of fruit, rather than a stockist of underwear elastic; it would have gone over so much better with the ladies.

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You know, that has got to be the simplest definition of a word I have ever seen in a dictionary yet.

Keep improving,
Your boss,
Mr. Paul Freeman, CEO

You are all monkeys. And not nice ones like this little fellow either.

So you better stay away from my peanutbutter and banana sandwiches in the fridge or something surely unmentionable will happen to you. It will involve acts as undignified as the act of stealing a sandwich from the staff room fridge. Possibly more so.

You people have sunk very, very low.

Disgusted,
Mr. Paul Freeman, CEO

smart casual -- adj., noun. Designating or characteristic of (a style of) dress which is informal yet smart, esp. smart enough to conform to a particular dress code.

Example:
If you are not capable of dressing smart casual, you will be casually labeled dumb.