Rant in My Pocket

Dratted dummy. Dumb dratter. Fine but this is all the typing I'm going to do this week. I think I was on vacation. I wasn't at work, anyhow.

Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die

--Find more Oompa Loompas.
--Eat more cheez doodles.
--Find a way to trick Lenny into wearing a poodle skirt to Shooters.
--Dig that tunnel back to the old Zero Unlimited complex and find that gold.
--Squash rumors that I am The King of Cake. Squash them in the face with cake.
--Find another ape costume as good as my last one. One worthy of me. Preferrably on sale.
--I don't know what the last one is. Maybe Kitty will come help me out with this frosting.

Seven Things I Can Do
--bust my head through the wall in order to get to the coffee machine first.
--noiselessly steal people's toupees and reassign them to foster heads without anyone noticing. (at first)
--imitate the sound of clogs echoing in the ventilation shafts.
--use my sonar to maneuver in the dark nighttime air and find my dinner. I enjoy sushi or potpie.
--answer the phone with my tongue.
--sneak up on anyone holding a full cup of hot coffee.
--rearrange all the pudding in people's lunch sacks in the staff room fridge so that no one has the right lunch at noon. My mornings are sometimes the busiest time of my day.

Seven Things I Cannot Do

--deal with fribbles. You know who you are.
--go-go. (I have tried. Even I was horrified.)
--eat goatfish. (Same as above.)
--origami. Hazardous to say the least.
--find a refugium. Dammit I want a pet archaeopterix, is that wrong???
--effectively operate a ventriloquist dummy. They keep slapping my hands away.
--find a good way to get drinks out of a glass backwards. Too bad. What a killer party trick to pick up chicks with on a bet.

Seven Things That Attract Me To Another Person

--conspicuous spending.
--strange aromas.
--tasty skin flavor.
--clanking of liquor bottles in pockets.
--toupee.
--generosity with chewing gum.
--those shoes that look like they could poke your eye out.

Seven Things I Say Most Often

--"Ape Law failed because you didn't listen."
--"Tell Lenny to meet me at Shooters and bring that thing he got the other day."
--"Mess with my Oompa Loompas, mess with me."
--"Ooooooh, that Mysterious Stranger really strangles my canoodle just when I think it's getting good."
--"No one wants to suchkon Baby Gherkins."
--"CEO of Many Unmentionable Things"
--"Nobody messes with the Law Giver!!!"

and a bonus: "Figure out which side your bread is buttered on, bozos!!!"

Seven Celebrity Crushes

--That hottie who bartends at Shooters on Fridays during HappyHappy Hour.
--Willy Wonka.
--The Hawaiian Punch Guy. Purely platonic. I plan to steal his zany shirts.
--The Frito Bandito. I need his hat. We'll get all chummy, then... yoink!
--Liv Tyler. Everyone needs a hottie elf with pointy ears in their armoire waiting for them to get home.
--The St. Pauli Girl. She comes with beer!!!
--Lily Munster. Or Morticia Addams. I'm not picky.

I'm going to tag the following lucky scoundrels:
--Tom Finn (you better get your blog up, dude)
--Damien (no more cookies you little bastard extortionist!!!)
--Kitty Baxter
--Kevin Roberts (you have always been a mystery to me, you weenie)

Get going you rascals!!!