Tuesday, January 24, 2006
One Track Mind
In an effort to garner more traffic for this blog, I am hoping that if I just write what comes into my head, something good will come out.
I stuck fudge in my ear.
Maple syrup tastes better when you lick it up.
However, if you drink it out of a gallon jug, maple syrup tastes even better.
Cheese is an easy way to make attractive ornaments.
Cheese ornaments are a good way to show off your carving abilities.
Cheese ornaments are not advisable for use on car antennas or hats, especially in settings where there is a large bird population.
Cucumbers are surprising vegetables.
Asparagus stalks do not make good whips. Also they leave stains. Green stains.
I once sat on elderberries. Elderberries also stain, only bright purple.
Beer is pretty close to god.
A beer bottle looks pretty good with a little bishop's mitre on and a ceremonial robe.
If I could have a REAL bottomless coffee pot, I think I might be happy with the service at IHOP. However, instead they kicked me out. Something about lemurs. Or was it cucumbers?
Spaghetti is an interesting way to decorate.
That is all. For the moment, at least.
Signed,
Your Boss and Mine,
Mr. Paul Freeman
Chief Executive Officer.
I stuck fudge in my ear.
Maple syrup tastes better when you lick it up.
However, if you drink it out of a gallon jug, maple syrup tastes even better.
Cheese is an easy way to make attractive ornaments.
Cheese ornaments are a good way to show off your carving abilities.
Cheese ornaments are not advisable for use on car antennas or hats, especially in settings where there is a large bird population.
Cucumbers are surprising vegetables.
Asparagus stalks do not make good whips. Also they leave stains. Green stains.
I once sat on elderberries. Elderberries also stain, only bright purple.
Beer is pretty close to god.
A beer bottle looks pretty good with a little bishop's mitre on and a ceremonial robe.
If I could have a REAL bottomless coffee pot, I think I might be happy with the service at IHOP. However, instead they kicked me out. Something about lemurs. Or was it cucumbers?
Spaghetti is an interesting way to decorate.
That is all. For the moment, at least.
Signed,
Your Boss and Mine,
Mr. Paul Freeman
Chief Executive Officer.
Some Exciting Ideas
Since things are sooooo boring here at Zero Unlimited, I thought I could help out by coming up with some ideas to make the workplace more exciting.
1. A costume chest. My day would be better if Ralph in Finance showed up with invoices for my approval wearing a clown suit.
2. Funny Hat Day. My whole week would be better if Tiffany tried to get a hat on over that crazy hair of hers. Watch out, she'll take your eye out! Funniest hat each week wins a foot-long hotdog at Hal's Weiner Stand with all the fixins.
3. Pie Day. Hopefully this will result in at least one person getting a pie to the face. Preferably Kevin.
4. Strange Fruit Contest. Everyone bring in that freaky fruit they've started selling at the grocery store. My favorite is the kumquat. Weirdest fruit wins free beer at Shooters for the night. Calzone might even be able to drag his ass in for this one. "Would you like a kumquat with that?" I would ask.
5. Eat Your Hat Day. A popular item some years at the Christmas party. It would be nice to revive the tradition on a regular basis throughout the year. Then maybe some of us would have an incentive to stick to our training regimens.
6. Banana In Ear Day. What? I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear.
7. Chop Your Own Head Off Contest. We all feel like chopping our heads off, admit it. Contestants carve one of those giant Pink Pearl erasers into an effigy of themselves and we see who can chop their head off the cleanest. I think I've got a guillotine around here somewhere.
8. Best Ways to Get to Go Home Display. An attractively arranged display of various documentation and evidence of some of the more interesting ways folks at ZU have managed to get sent home from work. My favorite is the "copier toner in the coffee" gag.
Further suggestions welcome.
1. A costume chest. My day would be better if Ralph in Finance showed up with invoices for my approval wearing a clown suit.
2. Funny Hat Day. My whole week would be better if Tiffany tried to get a hat on over that crazy hair of hers. Watch out, she'll take your eye out! Funniest hat each week wins a foot-long hotdog at Hal's Weiner Stand with all the fixins.
3. Pie Day. Hopefully this will result in at least one person getting a pie to the face. Preferably Kevin.
4. Strange Fruit Contest. Everyone bring in that freaky fruit they've started selling at the grocery store. My favorite is the kumquat. Weirdest fruit wins free beer at Shooters for the night. Calzone might even be able to drag his ass in for this one. "Would you like a kumquat with that?" I would ask.
5. Eat Your Hat Day. A popular item some years at the Christmas party. It would be nice to revive the tradition on a regular basis throughout the year. Then maybe some of us would have an incentive to stick to our training regimens.
6. Banana In Ear Day. What? I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear.
7. Chop Your Own Head Off Contest. We all feel like chopping our heads off, admit it. Contestants carve one of those giant Pink Pearl erasers into an effigy of themselves and we see who can chop their head off the cleanest. I think I've got a guillotine around here somewhere.
8. Best Ways to Get to Go Home Display. An attractively arranged display of various documentation and evidence of some of the more interesting ways folks at ZU have managed to get sent home from work. My favorite is the "copier toner in the coffee" gag.
Further suggestions welcome.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Daily Vocabulary - You know you want it.
draggle -- v. To wet or befoul (a garment, etc.) by allowing it to drag through mire or wet grass, or to hang untidily in the rain; to make wet, limp, and dirty.
Example: It would be a shame if someone were to take this fluffy green clown wig and draggle it through the corridors of Sector 9. A real shame.
Those damn clowns. I'll show them for messing with me. And distracting me from the UBERMILF!!!! AAAAHHHH!!!! It's like that time someone shoved my sausage into a washing machine.
Squeaky, but just not as much fun.
Example: It would be a shame if someone were to take this fluffy green clown wig and draggle it through the corridors of Sector 9. A real shame.
Those damn clowns. I'll show them for messing with me. And distracting me from the UBERMILF!!!! AAAAHHHH!!!! It's like that time someone shoved my sausage into a washing machine.
Squeaky, but just not as much fun.
Distracted by Ubermilf
Been distracted by cupcakes. Delicious, beautiful cupcakes that have been waging war on The King of Cake. Yo bro.
Anyone interested in a piece of cake should talk to that guy. Because I am certainly not sharing any of mine. Except for maybe after I've licked all the frosting off of it and it's gotten a little linty because I forgot it in the back of the coat closet. Tiffany, I think that might be your mitten I found stuck to it, plus some paperclips.
Anyways, back to the fray. This Ubermilf chick is a hottie.
Signed,
The Big Boss of Cake, Cupcakes, and Everything Else Around Here
Anyone interested in a piece of cake should talk to that guy. Because I am certainly not sharing any of mine. Except for maybe after I've licked all the frosting off of it and it's gotten a little linty because I forgot it in the back of the coat closet. Tiffany, I think that might be your mitten I found stuck to it, plus some paperclips.
Anyways, back to the fray. This Ubermilf chick is a hottie.
Signed,
The Big Boss of Cake, Cupcakes, and Everything Else Around Here
