Rant in My Pocket

Dooleyboppers

2006-12-18T10:16:00.000-08:00

I am repeatedly inspired to new heights by the searches that bring people to the Zero Unlimited page. The latest? DOOLEYBOPPERS!!!

Which, incidentally, Kevin the loser banned from the workplace back in May. Because he is a jerk. I mean, yes, he probably saved us from future lawsuits (which is indeed his job, it is good to see he is working and not just lounging around in those six-million-dollar shoes of his), but what about the rest of us who know how to keep our dooleyboppers under control???

I ASK YOU!!!

We could all be running around wearing Mistletoe Head Boppers at the Christmas part this year IF IT WASN'T FOR MISTER "YOU CAN'T DO THAT"!!!!

Signed,
The Boss of Your Dooleyboppers
Mr. Paul Freeman

Tag Rag Ragamuffin

2006-08-17T08:33:00.000-07:00

That Gyrobo couldn't be bothered to tag me, so I'm tagging myself.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence
4. Post the text of it and the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don’t you dare dig for that “cool” or “intellectual” book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.
6. Tag three people

Okay. Here goes. I was hoping my copy of JAWS was still kicking around, but this'll have to do.

To Walk the Night by William Sloane
"But this isn't pitching any hay. What I'm getting at is, do you think Mrs. LeNormand came from a family that was, say, of the proletariat or -- er -- the bourgeois, or is she an out-and-out bloodsucking capitalist?"

"I never thought about it." The question puzzled me, like everything else connected with Selena.

Now, for taggin. I tag Lila Couchon, John the Clog-hater, and Slappy the Dummy. You can hate me for it later.

Dickie Belcher?

2006-07-10T10:02:00.000-07:00

Also, who hired that jerk Dickie Belcher that keeps leaving obnoxious notes on my desk about tightrope compliance?!

It wasn't me, was it?

Stackin' the Grizzles

2006-07-10T09:10:00.000-07:00

I got an e-mail about stackin' the grizzles. It got me to thinking. If you could stack grizzlies like pancakes it would make a pretty big pile. But no matter how much syrup you poured on it, it would still smell like hell and be full of fur.

Phantom Rubber Dolly

2006-06-26T11:41:00.000-07:00

Is somebody listening to "Rubber Dolly" over and over again somewhere in the basement?!!! I keep hearing it, but I can't figure out where it's coming from.

I've check in my desk drawers, I've looked for speakers hidden in the ceiling lights, and spent about a half hour in the closet at lunchtime with my ear to a cup on the floor.

ARGH!!! I don't care if her mom won't buy her a rubber dolly because she smooched some guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So Sad, No Oompaloompas

2006-06-15T12:02:00.000-07:00

It's very sad. I am the ONLY PERSON who has oompaloompas as one of my interests on my blogger profile. This is odd, because I found all sorts of other things on Blogger about Oompaloompas, which were very informative. Now I feel even closer to my little guys.

For instance: I can tell you that THESE impostors are NOT Oompaloompas no matter how much paper hair they stick under their hats!

Also for instance: Otto has learned as Thing #% Learned While On Sabattical "5. Don't touch the oompaloompas." Apparently they have rabies. I will have to check mine to see if they've had their shots, and keep them away from Otto's oompaloompas at all cost.

This other site wants to know if there are any oompaloompas in here but then everything is in Swedish or something so I don't know what they're going on about.

I did find something about hot oompaloompa dance moves, but it was so cursory and vague it left me wanting.

I also found that Zero Unlimited is not the only office to employ oompaloompas within their hallowed halls.

I wonder how Mr. Wonka is taking it, does he have his panties in a bunch?

Also, some strange people have been dressing their dogs up as Oompaloompas. I gasped and stuffed my wristrest in my mouth to stop the screaming when I stumbled across this site.

Hutch Goes Dutch

2006-06-15T11:54:00.000-07:00

Had an interview with that Hutch dude the other day. I'm not sure how he got an appointment, but there he was in my office when I came in from my meeting with the committee. Seemed a pretty game fellow, although he seemed surprised that no one had turkeys on their feet. To humor him, I told him I'd see what we could do about that.

I bet I can at least get folks to wear some Dutch clogs. Even if it's just on their hands, like these guys.

Busy with Beer, Cheese, and Bacon. And Mentos.

2006-06-15T10:03:00.000-07:00

Well look at that. Another month has flown by on its little pink birdie wings, and left me here laughing. Or sobbing, depending on what is going on. I feel that as your boss, it is my duty to at least some of the time to (pretend to) be accountable for my actions.

Thusly:

I didn't do any vocabulary on Monday because some evil minded person or persons, having wantonly injured most of the gnomes that have been lately set out in and as an ornament to my office, by putting frosting on them, caused me great distress, at which point I was very busy telling Ms. Geraghty how to make WANTED posters which would offer a reward of twenty dollars and a sack of cheese to any person who will discover and bring to conviction the perpetrators of so vile an act by my order.

Later it turned out I only had a sack of cheese, as my twenty had gone missing overnight during sometime I spent at Shooters with Lenny, so it's just as well no one came forward, even though it ticks me off to no end that my oompa loompas had to waste hours of their valuable time cleaning off the gnomes noses and knees with toothbrushes and chamois cloths.

Last week was taken up by avoiding preparations for the Employee Barbecue with the exception of the bacon and sausage which I was all over.

The week before was a good one, I don't remember much of it. However the sack of cheese did materialize at about that time.

The week before that was spent drinking jug after jub of soda and then shoving tubes of mentos down our throats. Lenny and I were trying to figure out if that thing about exploding was real. There was this hot chick juggling her innards all about in that video after she did it and then she blew up all over the camera. Lenny thinks it was fake but you will notice he went along with it and was in fact the first test subject in our experiments after Stanley got away from us even with the hose that was tying him to the dolley.

So I've been kind of busy.

More vocabulary soon!!!! I promise, really.

Yours truly,
Mr. Paul Freeman, CEO
Zero Unlimited

Why is Drew Carey kicking the hot dog cart?

2006-05-31T20:50:00.000-07:00

This confuses me. Please, a bat upside the head would be a mercy.

Fruity toot

2006-05-31T20:48:00.000-07:00

Tottie toot to you too. Please explain to me why there are birds outside freaking out and tweeting at almost midnight?!!! Freaks.

Daily Vocabulary: Multiple Choice

2006-05-19T07:51:00.000-07:00

Dear brethren -- we have a particularly beatific word today.

beamy-- adj. 1. Emitting beams of light, radiant; (1582 BENTLEY Mon. Matrones 104 The beamie Sun large light doth giue.; 1813 SHELLEY Q. Mab ix. (1853) 49 Bending her beamy eyes in thankfulness.)
b. transf. Radiated, umbellate. Obs. rare. (1562 TURNER Herbal II. 79b, The wilde carot hathe..a spoky or beamy top lyke vnto dill.)
2. Massive as a (weaver's) beam; (1809 HEBER Palestine 351 Lords of the biting axe and beamy spear.)
3. Possessing full-grown horns; antlered. (1697 DRYDEN Virg. Georg. III. 625 Thou mayst..beamy Stags in Toils engage.)

Example: I am unsure whether I would rather be beamy (Ah! Forsooth he is beamy, and I must don sunglasses when looking at his radiant self!), beamy (Lordy, his hair is beamy as a wild carrot's!), beamy (Beware his beamy spear, it will a-thwock you in the gizzard betimely), or beamy (Avast, his beamy head will poke you in the rump if you loiter too long about ye olde water cooler!).

We will be taking a poll.

More Gibberish

2006-05-12T07:15:00.000-07:00

Been receiving more coded messages. I took some more of those pills to help my brain work well enough to decode their top secret warblings but the cocker spaniel said I did it all wrong and I should ask all you water pixies for help.

Here is the latest message. I found it on my computer.

Hot-water bottle a streak intelligently, but membrane club soda ominously manual, as assuredly the noticeably, consulting to sausage? Important disembarkation to instructor Rock as walk-in in cock luxuriate. Was eastwardly profitable.

Then there was something about "insignificance team of ghost in of moon playing field."

Do you think some crazy Himalayan has got a hold of an explorer's laptop and is mashing the keyboard about and ringin up his long distance bills?!!!

I am going to eat a banana in the closet.

Daily (actually Monthly) Vocabulary

2006-05-11T08:08:00.000-07:00

Right, well, it's been a while. I think my productivity is down. I spent the last few weeks watching Twin Peaks episodes over and over again. My secretary refuses to serve me pie and coffee. I feel lost.

I thought maybe I'd feel better if I did some vocabulary. Since my site only got 7 hits last week, and a big fat ZERO (that's gotta be a record) the week before, it is clear that my hit-pumping efforts of prior months have fallen by the wayside.

In other words, I have become dejected.

deject -- v. To throw or cast down; to cause to fall down, overthrow; To depress in spirits; to cast down, dispirit, dishearten.

Example: He couldn't decide if he should deject himself by standing over the sodden pool and paying Lenny to shove him over unexpectedly from behind, or to deject himself by continuing to consider the sharp tang of fate's tasty victory over his attempts to procure more pie and coffee.

Crazy Sitting-at-his-desk Dude

2006-04-19T08:01:00.000-07:00

At least you guys can't say this about me in your uber-secret personal e-mail messages you're all sending all day long from your desks:

Trying To Get Section 8'ed From His Job Into A More Comfy Job Dude is a calling; or is he just muttering to himself, to his imaginary little friends perhaps.

No, you can't! Because I would never try to get Section 8'ed from this job. I love this job. So no mattter how much you try to drive me completely barmy, here I will remain. I love you all that much.

Daily Vocabulary - FOUR TIMES THE POWER!!!!

2006-04-13T11:57:00.000-07:00

Well, since I've been slacking (not really, actually I have been exceptionally busy), I am going to do something outrageous and brain-burstingly clever, and combine not one, not two, not three, but FOUR!!! FOUR!!!! Vocabulary words into one posting. Yeah, you better make that seatbelt click.

1. wedging - v. The action of driving in a wedge or wedges, or of fixing or cleaving by this means; the condition of being thus fixed.

2. roast meat - n. Meat cooked by roasting.

3. diddly-squat - n. As a count noun: a thing of little value or significance; esp. in not to give a diddly-squat. As a mass noun: nothing at all; (in negative constructions) anything. Cf. doodly-squat

4. tampion - n. A plug for stopping an aperture: e.g. a bung for a cask, etc.

Example: I didn't have diddly-squat to do with wedging that roast meat in the bung hole, but it made a mighty fine tampion though, didn't it?

YEAH!!!!

That Pirate

2006-04-13T11:55:00.000-07:00

I can't believe he said he ate the gnomes.

On the other hand, now if they disappear, everyone will suspect him.

Daily (not at all) Vocabulary

2006-04-06T06:40:00.000-07:00

I believe I have just invented my vocabulary word of the day.

joing -- v. Sort of a hinky version of joining up with some sort of hitching or jumping-into action involved in it.

Example:
Anyone who wants to joing me on the Western Knoll out in back of Parking Lot 6 for a bigfoot campout expedition on Friday should do so.

(as seen in earlier post today)

Bigfoot Camp

2006-04-06T06:13:00.000-07:00

Anyone who wants to joing me on the Western Knoll out in back of Parking Lot 6 for a bigfoot campout expedition on Friday should do so. Bring tent, sleeping bag, cheesy poofs, coffee (lots of coffee), plaster, and plastering materials (booze). It'll be a freakin' blast.

Signed,
Mr. Paul Freeman
CEO and Minty Fresh Bigfoot Finder

Daily Vocabulary - And how!!!

2006-03-02T07:29:00.000-08:00

nymphology-- n. The study of mythological nymphs.

Example:
I am going to take up nymphology as soon as Lenny returns my hipwaders and floating margarita tray.

It's true. Those little nymphs better watch out, 'cause I got me some water wings. And a battery powered blender. Lenny told me how the car battery makes an awesome portable generator, so now I can take the fixins right out in the water with me.

Also, how do you like my new image???

Sprockles

2006-02-24T13:18:00.000-08:00

I am going to invent something and it is called sprockles. Sprockles are like jimmies, only made of tiny metal gears and other ore-based gewgaws, so they are extra shiny and crunchy.

So there. Take that you inventors of the Right-or-Wrong-inator.

Fie on you!!!

My Problem

2006-02-24T08:51:00.000-08:00

My problem is that I am too distractable.

How am I ever going to make this blog into a worldwide slambang phenomenon if I keep slacking off like this? My Daily Vocabulary is a joke.

Ha, ha, ha... whoops got distracted and forgot to keep laughing.

So very, very funny.

Ow.

Flabdabulator Ahoy

2006-02-16T11:50:00.000-08:00

I find that no one seems to be using the invention name of the FLABDABULATOR as of yet.

I find, subsequently, that I am very, VERY inspired.

The Woofing of My Brain

2006-02-16T11:47:00.000-08:00

I wish that barking would stop. I've been testing out my Beergle-ator and I have to keep stopping it to hear what's going on out there. What, did someone let Bigfoot out again? How's a man supposed to get any work done around here?!!!

If it doesn't quit soon, I will quite possibly be forced to do something drastic.

Daily Vocabulary (as if!)

2006-02-13T06:45:00.000-08:00

soap-dodger -- n.

1. A scruffy or dirty person.

Example--
Only a soap-dodger such as Calzone could be detected by nose alone as he roamed past my doorway.

Peeeyuw!!! Stinky little feller, wot? On the other hand, I can always tell if Ms. Couchon is in her office because she smells so NICE.

BONUS!!!

Examples as given by the Oxford English Dictionary:

a. A dirty, unkempt or smelly person, a ‘scruffbag’ or dosser.
b. I felt quite insulted that Lydia had not chosen to tell me...something she'd relate over a couple of cans of Carling Black Label to a soap dodger.

I Am Not Your Fruit

2006-02-02T08:48:00.000-08:00

But if I was a banana you could peel me.

However, I would not recommend eating my rind.

Fruit is wonderful stuff. You can squash it. It comes in baskets. It grows on trees. You can be fruity. And then get chewed like gum. Gum wrappers can be made into some pretty amazing things. Maybe I could make a fruit basket out of gum wrappers..

One Track Mind

2006-01-24T06:02:00.000-08:00

In an effort to garner more traffic for this blog, I am hoping that if I just write what comes into my head, something good will come out.

I stuck fudge in my ear.

Maple syrup tastes better when you lick it up.

However, if you drink it out of a gallon jug, maple syrup tastes even better.

Cheese is an easy way to make attractive ornaments.

Cheese ornaments are a good way to show off your carving abilities.

Cheese ornaments are not advisable for use on car antennas or hats, especially in settings where there is a large bird population.

Cucumbers are surprising vegetables.

Asparagus stalks do not make good whips. Also they leave stains. Green stains.

I once sat on elderberries. Elderberries also stain, only bright purple.

Beer is pretty close to god.

A beer bottle looks pretty good with a little bishop's mitre on and a ceremonial robe.

If I could have a REAL bottomless coffee pot, I think I might be happy with the service at IHOP. However, instead they kicked me out. Something about lemurs. Or was it cucumbers?

Spaghetti is an interesting way to decorate.

That is all. For the moment, at least.

Signed,
Your Boss and Mine,
Mr. Paul Freeman
Chief Executive Officer.

Some Exciting Ideas

2006-01-24T05:46:00.000-08:00

Since things are sooooo boring here at Zero Unlimited, I thought I could help out by coming up with some ideas to make the workplace more exciting.

1. A costume chest. My day would be better if Ralph in Finance showed up with invoices for my approval wearing a clown suit.

2. Funny Hat Day. My whole week would be better if Tiffany tried to get a hat on over that crazy hair of hers. Watch out, she'll take your eye out! Funniest hat each week wins a foot-long hotdog at Hal's Weiner Stand with all the fixins.

3. Pie Day. Hopefully this will result in at least one person getting a pie to the face. Preferably Kevin.

4. Strange Fruit Contest. Everyone bring in that freaky fruit they've started selling at the grocery store. My favorite is the kumquat. Weirdest fruit wins free beer at Shooters for the night. Calzone might even be able to drag his ass in for this one. "Would you like a kumquat with that?" I would ask.

5. Eat Your Hat Day. A popular item some years at the Christmas party. It would be nice to revive the tradition on a regular basis throughout the year. Then maybe some of us would have an incentive to stick to our training regimens.

6. Banana In Ear Day. What? I can't hear you, I have a banana in my ear.

7. Chop Your Own Head Off Contest. We all feel like chopping our heads off, admit it. Contestants carve one of those giant Pink Pearl erasers into an effigy of themselves and we see who can chop their head off the cleanest. I think I've got a guillotine around here somewhere.

8. Best Ways to Get to Go Home Display. An attractively arranged display of various documentation and evidence of some of the more interesting ways folks at ZU have managed to get sent home from work. My favorite is the "copier toner in the coffee" gag.

Further suggestions welcome.

Daily Vocabulary - You know you want it.

2006-01-04T12:38:00.000-08:00

draggle -- v. To wet or befoul (a garment, etc.) by allowing it to drag through mire or wet grass, or to hang untidily in the rain; to make wet, limp, and dirty.

Example: It would be a shame if someone were to take this fluffy green clown wig and draggle it through the corridors of Sector 9. A real shame.

Those damn clowns. I'll show them for messing with me. And distracting me from the UBERMILF!!!! AAAAHHHH!!!! It's like that time someone shoved my sausage into a washing machine.

Squeaky, but just not as much fun.

Distracted by Ubermilf

2006-01-04T10:00:00.000-08:00

Been distracted by cupcakes. Delicious, beautiful cupcakes that have been waging war on The King of Cake. Yo bro.

Anyone interested in a piece of cake should talk to that guy. Because I am certainly not sharing any of mine. Except for maybe after I've licked all the frosting off of it and it's gotten a little linty because I forgot it in the back of the coat closet. Tiffany, I think that might be your mitten I found stuck to it, plus some paperclips.

Anyways, back to the fray. This Ubermilf chick is a hottie.

Signed,
The Big Boss of Cake, Cupcakes, and Everything Else Around Here

Daily (or what) Vocabulary

2005-12-28T08:45:00.000-08:00

I'm reviving an oldie but goody, from back in the heyday of the Executive Order Blog!

fallal -- n., A useless piece of finery or frippery.

Example: Now you all know what "fallal" means, but some of you will probably have to look up "frippery".

Read my list

2005-12-21T13:06:00.000-08:00

Read it. Live it. Love it. GIVE ME IT!!!

Eggnog barf

2005-12-20T08:46:00.000-08:00

You know, next year I'm going to skip the eggnog left out overnight.

And whoever put the bathpuff/bath salts/rubber ducky pack on my desk for the Secret Santa bit this morning is off their rocker and will get a good hosing for their trouble.

Christmas after my own heart

2005-12-19T08:21:00.000-08:00

This lady has the right idea. I think I'll hire her for our decorating here at ZU, or at the very least at my pad.

Warm and Fuzzy or about to barf?

2005-12-19T07:39:00.000-08:00

Well I said that eggnog gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling every time I taste it. But warm and fuzzy seems to be shifting over to a barf-a-rama feeling.

Could someone leave a big trash barrel outside my door?

It's days like this that the bathroom seems so very far away.

Mr. Barf

Xmas rules

2005-12-19T07:34:00.000-08:00

Boy, that was some party. I got locked in the broom closet and it took me three hours to get someone to let me out.

Next time I'm packing a jackhammer with my sausages.

There's some leftover eggnog sitting out in the hallway if anyone wants some, I drank a bunch of it on my way by this morning. It doesn't taste that bad warm.

Eggnog gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling every time I taste it. Maybe I should go fill a bowl of it, put it on my desk, and just stick my tongue in it constantly to keep that Christmas spirit going this week until The Day Itself.

Still can't find my elf shoes.

Mr. F

Loony Moon?!

2005-12-14T08:39:00.000-08:00

I was doing some more research on the moon, and after getting done with my coloring book, I decided to get a little more hardcore. On my computer I found another article about the moon.

It says the darnedest things.

"Earth’s moon, for example, is moving away from the planet. Every year, it shifts another inch-and-a-half (4 centimeters) into space. One day, a total eclipse of the Sun will no longer be possible."

Listen, we should probably do something about this. Like get that Bond fellow working on an invention that will strap the moon in place. It would such to not have a moon any more, if it got away from the Earth and wandered off into space. It would make an interesting documentary, though. "Moon Travels" or something placid-sounding like that for those New Age yobbos. Might be a good way to make money if we can't figure out the moon retention device in time.

Not a party pooper

2005-12-14T08:09:00.000-08:00

For those of you who might have claimed I was one, the press has officially declared

Big Boss No Party Pooper

See you on Friday at the party! I'm bringing jumbo sausages.

Signed,
The Boss of All

Kevin Screwed Up

2005-12-12T07:45:00.000-08:00

This doesn't happen often, so I have to gloat a little.

Kevin says, and I quote:
"Do you not understand that an industrial furnace that heats the entire complex is a toy?"

Oh, Kevin, you silly silly guy.

Daily Vocabulary -- NOT!!!

2005-12-09T18:23:00.000-08:00

No time for vocabulary today. I've got to go out fishing and try a new technique I saw on Sesame Street.

Elf Sex and Pudding

2005-12-05T07:40:00.000-08:00

In order to further my efforts at getting people to look at my blog, I recently mentioned elf sex. Today, to see if I show up on Google, I did a search. My efforts seem to have been unsuccessful thus far. However, I did learn a few things about elf sex.

This information includes a lot of mention about what Tolkien said about elf sex. Now I know that with long hair and a really killer voice, I might have a chance if I ever met any elf chicks. Providing I wasn't too drunk and wasn't busy performing some unspeakable act on a nearby object, animate or otherwise. Which is probably unlikely.

I also found this out, which might be significant to some of you...

Christmas Elf Name

My Christmas Elf Name is

Get your Christmas Elf Name at JokesUnlimited.com

Daily Vocabulary (or at least weekly)

2005-12-05T07:25:00.000-08:00

stinking -- adj. 1. a. That stinks; offensively smelling.
b. said of an odour.
c. Used as a vague epithet connoting intense disgust and contempt.
d. As an intensifier: ‘offensively’, in stinking drunk, rich (somewhat derog.); also absol. and const. with, having too much (money, etc.).

Examples:
a. I wish someone would empty that stinking trash bucket over by the elevator so I didn't have to break into a run everytime I hit the third floor. It smells like someone dumped a dead goose in there.
b. The stinking aroma of my feet is said to have sent a number of interns running. The bellowing can't have helped.
c. That sinking bastard Lenny had better return my purple necktie or I'm going to have to make a visit down to the Plastics Department myself.
d. I would like to be stinking drunk, but I seem to spend more of my time being stinking rich. Oh wait a minute, it's the other way around.

That's all for today, folks.
Signed,
Big Boss A-Mighty

I wonder...

2005-11-29T11:55:00.000-08:00

...how many hits I could get if I started making entries like "I want hot lovin" or "my asparagus is all wobbly". Maybe some "I sat on a whoopie cushion while telling Barbra Streisand about my elf-related fantasies" might get things cooking.

Consider this:
An elf can fit into places you can't, you mountain of human blubber, you.

Sincerely,
Mr. F
(elf sex)

Tie Disaster

2005-11-29T10:55:00.000-08:00

In other news, I just put my tie through the shredder.

Luckily (or so my head tells me), during the struggle the motor burned out.

I'm sure Ms. Couchon thought that all the noises were perfectly normal, including but not limited to:
shrieking
kicking of the wall
froth being emitted from between clenched teeth
coffee cups gone a-kilter off the desk and smashing on the floor
the rather large combo dry-erase/bulletin board toppling off the wall and crashing onto my head (this was about the same point that the motor started smoking).

To her credit, she did come check in on me when she smelled the smoke.

I must say, a tie is DEFINITELY the wrong thing to shred.

Mr. F

Daily Vocabulary (almost)

2005-11-29T10:47:00.000-08:00

controversy -- n. The action of disputing or contending one with another; dispute, debate, contention. a. as to rights, claims, and the like.

Example: While I try to avoid controversy in my everyday life, I often find myself mired in it at work.

I blame this on the disputatious and contentious nature of my employees. I myself am quite a liberal guy, overall, I think.

Signed,
The Loquacious F-Man
wishing he still had a tan

Daily Vocabulary. Regular as crappy clockwork.

2005-11-21T12:35:00.000-08:00

information fatigue -- n. Apathy, indifference, or mental exhaustion arising from exposure to too much information, esp. (in later use) stress induced by the attempt to assimilate excessive amounts of information from the media, the Internet, or at work.

Example: I suspect I am suffering from information fatigue, as I can only bring myself to poke at the front section of the newspaper each day, and never actually open it. In fact, this has been going on for weeks now. If Kevin had let me have my rathskellar way back when, this never would have happened.

If you hear the sound of weeping and wailing and the gnashing of teeth coming from my office, don't be surprised. Sausages, of course, would be appreciated.

Dear Minions

2005-11-08T08:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Minions:
I have returned from the palmy wilds of Florida. Actually, it wasn't that wild, because I was in Orlando, except perhaps the field trips to each of the Hooters in town. They have like 6 of them. Or maybe it was 7. I lost count. So did Lenny.

What I didn't know is that they run their own airline now. Hooters Air. I am serious. Not usually, but right now I am. I am still whacking my desk over missing THAT opportunity.

Anyways, I'm back. And I'm tan. And I have lizards. Tiny lizards. No alligators though, sorry. Too hard to pack.

As ever,
The Boss

Beejezus

2005-10-20T12:20:00.000-07:00

Blimey. Carbolgo. Wriggershmagger!!! Today I make up my own words.

YOU come up with their meanings.

I await your ideas with tremendous gloggermejigger.

Jengalegs!!

F-man

Daily Vocabulary. With pumpkin.

2005-10-14T06:43:00.000-07:00

miscount - n. Inaccurate or faulty count or reckoning. Also: an instance of this; a miscalculation.

Example:
The ramifications of the pumpkin miscount at the harvest fair were far more disastrous than anyone could have imagined.

-------------------------------

It is never a good idea to have a pumpkin miscount. BAD THINGS HAPPEN.

Signed,
Your Boss and Mine,
Mr. Paul Freeman, CEO
Reformed Now-Conscientious Pumpkin Counter

2005-10-07T08:03:00.000-07:00

Imagine if the ZU building was haunted. Our staff would probably be just as dumb.

See here, you fools: Haunted Office (2002)

Now where's my ghost? Somebody get me a ghost so I can look like this guy. AAAAHHH!!

Fit to be scared,
Mr. F

Daily Vocabulary. A shining example.

2005-10-04T05:00:00.000-07:00

glorious -- adj. Of persons and things: Possessing glory; entitled to brilliant and lofty renown, illustrious.

Example:
When mentioned in conversation, most folks refer to Paul Freeman as a glorious rapscallion of the old school.

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That's right. And who the heck was the fool who made blueberry coffee in the main coffee machine? Now everything tastes like fruit. IT'S ALL WRONG!!!!

Strangeness Discovered

2005-09-29T10:49:00.000-07:00

I don't know what this is all about, but if Yence the Fence or Svelte Sven ever come looking for me, I'll be hiding in my lateral filing cabinet, thank you very much.

Feeling addled by this weirdness,
Your boss,
Mr. Freeman

Who The Hog Named My Blog?

2005-09-29T07:55:00.000-07:00

I don't remember the happenstance. The name is... well, it's just freaky. Something you might find written on a piece of napkin someone stuck in your pocket at some wonderfully skeezy nightspot.

Maybe that's where it's from.

I still can't figure out what I did with all those bananas.

Signed,
Mr. Paul Freeman, CEOE
(the extra "E" stands for Extraordinaire!)

Daily Vocabulary. Late as usual.

2005-09-29T07:41:00.000-07:00

muddleheadedness
n. The state or fact of being muddle-headed; mental confusion or foolishness.

Example:
It has been said that it is the muddleheadedness of men that leads them to such pursuits as late-night jello shot shenanigans at Shooters.

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You know, muddleheadedness is a fun word to try to say.

I Went Away for a few days and I Got Tagged.

2005-09-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

Dratted dummy. Dumb dratter. Fine but this is all the typing I'm going to do this week. I think I was on vacation. I wasn't at work, anyhow.

Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die

--Find more Oompa Loompas.
--Eat more cheez doodles.
--Find a way to trick Lenny into wearing a poodle skirt to Shooters.
--Dig that tunnel back to the old Zero Unlimited complex and find that gold.
--Squash rumors that I am The King of Cake. Squash them in the face with cake.
--Find another ape costume as good as my last one. One worthy of me. Preferrably on sale.
--I don't know what the last one is. Maybe Kitty will come help me out with this frosting.

Seven Things I Can Do
--bust my head through the wall in order to get to the coffee machine first.
--noiselessly steal people's toupees and reassign them to foster heads without anyone noticing. (at first)
--imitate the sound of clogs echoing in the ventilation shafts.
--use my sonar to maneuver in the dark nighttime air and find my dinner. I enjoy sushi or potpie.
--answer the phone with my tongue.
--sneak up on anyone holding a full cup of hot coffee.
--rearrange all the pudding in people's lunch sacks in the staff room fridge so that no one has the right lunch at noon. My mornings are sometimes the busiest time of my day.

Seven Things I Cannot Do

--deal with fribbles. You know who you are.
--go-go. (I have tried. Even I was horrified.)
--eat goatfish. (Same as above.)
--origami. Hazardous to say the least.
--find a refugium. Dammit I want a pet archaeopterix, is that wrong???
--effectively operate a ventriloquist dummy. They keep slapping my hands away.
--find a good way to get drinks out of a glass backwards. Too bad. What a killer party trick to pick up chicks with on a bet.

Seven Things That Attract Me To Another Person

--conspicuous spending.
--strange aromas.
--tasty skin flavor.
--clanking of liquor bottles in pockets.
--toupee.
--generosity with chewing gum.
--those shoes that look like they could poke your eye out.

Seven Things I Say Most Often

--"Ape Law failed because you didn't listen."
--"Tell Lenny to meet me at Shooters and bring that thing he got the other day."
--"Mess with my Oompa Loompas, mess with me."
--"Ooooooh, that Mysterious Stranger really strangles my canoodle just when I think it's getting good."
--"No one wants to suchkon Baby Gherkins."
--"CEO of Many Unmentionable Things"
--"Nobody messes with the Law Giver!!!"

and a bonus: "Figure out which side your bread is buttered on, bozos!!!"

Seven Celebrity Crushes

--That hottie who bartends at Shooters on Fridays during HappyHappy Hour.
--Willy Wonka.
--The Hawaiian Punch Guy. Purely platonic. I plan to steal his zany shirts.
--The Frito Bandito. I need his hat. We'll get all chummy, then... yoink!
--Liv Tyler. Everyone needs a hottie elf with pointy ears in their armoire waiting for them to get home.
--The St. Pauli Girl. She comes with beer!!!
--Lily Munster. Or Morticia Addams. I'm not picky.

I'm going to tag the following lucky scoundrels:
--Tom Finn (you better get your blog up, dude)
--Damien (no more cookies you little bastard extortionist!!!)
--Kitty Baxter
--Kevin Roberts (you have always been a mystery to me, you weenie)

Get going you rascals!!!

Daily Vocabulary. Stock up now!

2005-09-13T10:28:00.000-07:00

stockist -- noun. One who (as a retailer or distributor) stocks goods.

Example:
Fred wished his lot in life had been to be a stockist of fruit, rather than a stockist of underwear elastic; it would have gone over so much better with the ladies.

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You know, that has got to be the simplest definition of a word I have ever seen in a dictionary yet.

Keep improving,
Your boss,
Mr. Paul Freeman, CEO

Monkeys in the toaster

2005-09-13T10:15:00.000-07:00

You are all monkeys. And not nice ones like this little fellow either.

So you better stay away from my peanutbutter and banana sandwiches in the fridge or something surely unmentionable will happen to you. It will involve acts as undignified as the act of stealing a sandwich from the staff room fridge. Possibly more so.

You people have sunk very, very low.

Disgusted,
Mr. Paul Freeman, CEO

Daily Vocabulary

2005-09-09T06:33:00.000-07:00

smart casual -- adj., noun. Designating or characteristic of (a style of) dress which is informal yet smart, esp. smart enough to conform to a particular dress code.

Example:
If you are not capable of dressing smart casual, you will be casually labeled dumb.

Improve Yourselves

2005-08-31T07:52:00.000-07:00

Most of my workers would be improved if they would just obacerate themselves.

Quit that racket, you rabble-rousers!!!

I can hardly bear to hear myself think.

Daily Vocabulary. Now including figs.

2005-08-31T07:22:00.000-07:00

ficulnean -- adj.

Of fig-tree wood; worthless. (c. 1716)

A pure 98.5% of the papers in my office's file cabinets is ficulnean, which is why I went and got some groovy dynamite the other day.

Time to have some fun.

Yours truly,
Mr. Paul Freeman, CEO

Daily Vocabulary

2005-08-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

I'm working late tying up loose ends and thought I'd add another vocabulary word for this week. Here you go, you rabble you. Get you some edumacation.

monticule - n. a small natural hill, little mount, elevation or prominence. Can be also a minor cone of a volcano. Synonyms: hillock, hummock, knoll, mound.

Example:
I'm going to go sit up on my favorite monticule and get me some howling done as soon as all this damn paperwork is cleared off my desk.

Which will be as soon as I can find my trash can. I think Ms. Couchon hid it when she left to make sure I got all this done.

Damn.

Bigfoot

2005-08-26T18:16:00.000-07:00

Whoever sent me that Bigfoot, I'm sending him back. Dammit, where are the Oompaloompas when I need them? Little buggers all ran away.

Daily Vocabulary

2005-08-24T07:32:00.000-07:00

nugation, n. -- stupid remark, stupidity, silliness; unnecessary repetition in speech or writing.

Example: Further proliferation of nugation in staff meetings will be met with efficacious floggings.

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I expect a little more out of you folk than all that nattering on that goes on.

Perhaps if SOMEONE had remembered to bring some danishes this might have been a more successful meeting. Maybe next time we will have to hold our meeting in the ruins of the Danish Village.

Sweet, sweet village made of danishes!

Your pastry-laden patoot dances in front of my eyes...

2005-08-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

I am torn between elation and dismay that I am the only blogger with an interest in briefcases , complexes , Shooters with Lenny , Oompaloompas, and Ape Law .

However, it was interesting to discover that I share an interest in Gokarts with Spiderman.

You never know about people, do you?

Boss of no one in the "interests" department, apparently,
Mr. Paul Freeman

Fuzzy on my mind

2005-08-22T08:39:00.000-07:00

This morning I feel a little.... fuzzy.

People keep talking about lint. I can hear it through the hole under my desk that leads into the Break Room.

One of these days the pieces will fall together and all of this will finally make sense!

The wya things have been going around here, I don't think I'll be getting any toerubs today.

Signed,
Sad, Lint-covered Boss

Daily Vocabulary

2005-08-16T09:14:00.000-07:00

fallal - A useless piece of finery or frippery.

Example: Now you all know what "fallal" means, but some of you will probably have to look up "frippery."